It is National Infertility Awareness Week and I am bombarded by posts on social media from foundations, doctors and friends. In the past, I would have been emotionally destabilised and depressed because it will mean another year has passed in this fertility journey and I still do not have my babies in my hands. I have learnt so much in the 4+ years of waiting and honestly, i am grateful for it. This might sound strange but it is the truth. My tears have dried up and I am always full of joy and laughter. Anyone who knows about my fertility journey would wonder why this is so. I’ll share with you how I got to this point and I pray it helps someone walking through this journey to have a reason to smile again.
In January 2013, myself and my husband actively started working on starting a family. In my innocence, I assumed it would happen within three months and by the following January, a baby would have been added to the mix. The whole of 2013 was like a dream, all my plans crumbled right before my eyes and my periods were annoyingly regular. I monitored ovulation, timed sex and ensured I did not slack on folic acid; nothing worked. I read that as a young couple, we needed to try for 12 months before drawing any conclusions. By mid-2014, I was in full panic mode and insisted on us going for medical testing. The result of the tests, Unexplained infertility! I would not bore you with more details but this is April 2017 and we are yet to have our miracle children.
I spent the next 3 years monitoring my diet, neurotic about my supplements and monitoring ovulation. I also spent a lot of time crying and begging God to help me out of this. You see, I had got it all wrong. I was learning scripture to beg God instead of allowing the Word of God to change me and bring me to the point of Grace. I was in a constant state of sadness and emotional pain that nothing could assuage. I found comfort in the Bible but the cycle of sorrow would start all over again once i got my period. The turning point for me was in October 2016 when i went through the IVF procedure and developed a life-threatening condition, Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). I have never felt so helplessly ill in all my 30-something years on earth, the pain and discomfort I experienced is best not described and I almost lost my life. There’s something a near death experience does to you, I had a complete mindshift.
During my time of recovery, the Holy Spirit took me on a journey to find myself again. Let me share some of the Bible Verses that made a significant impact on me during that time:
“He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things?” Romans 8:32
“how God anointed Jesus of Nazareth with the Holy Spirit and with power, who went about doing good and healing all who were oppressed by the devil, for God was with Him.” Acts 10:38
I also listened to the song ‘Healer'(both the Kari Jobe and Hillsong versions) on endless repeat and listened to healing scriptures downloaded from Andrew Wommack Ministries page. Several things happened to me:
. He wants us to have the very best! “If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” Matthew 7:11
- I understood the goodness of God.
. However, the devil is the source of all evil and His work is to steal, kill and destroy but God came to give us the abundant life! “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” John 10:10
, He holds us in His hands and unless we walk away from Him, He is always holding us. “For with God nothing will be impossible.”” Luke 1:37 ; For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” Hebrews 13:5
. How do I know this? Jesus died for me thousands of years ago and considering I am just 35 years old, doing the maths is easy. He loved me before I ever knew who He was. I started understanding that nothing could separate me from that love and that no matter how hard I tried or how far I run, I can’t get away from that love. It felt good! “For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
All these brought to the fore that I had been approaching God all wrong. I was His beloved and favoured child, the person He desires to give good things too. My God who is able to do everything, nothing and no one is out of His reach. I realised that I did not need to beg Him, I needed to relax and trust His goodness. The light went off inside me and I realised that all I needed through it all was just God. In His fullness and totality. My anxiety started subsiding and I started laughing again. I found my joy again and started enjoying my family more. My assurance now is that I am full of God on the inside and everything else is just not that important. This is a daily journey and I can’t say I don’t sometimes allow a little sadness in but I no longer dwell on it and it certainly does not make me cry anymore.
A friend I was sharing with said that I have found rest in faith. That I had come into the place Abraham came to as depicted in the book of Romans, a place of full conviction:
“He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, And not being weak in faith, he did not consider his own body, already dead (since he was about a hundred years old), and the deadness of Sarah’s womb. and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform.” Romans 4:19-21
You might be like me and still waiting on the manifestation of God’s promises on your life. Whatever it is, come to the point of full conviction. A place of rest without striving, tears or pain. A point where you fully understand the goodness of God and you are absolutely certain of His love for you which never ends.
I will be sharing my testimony very soon because God is too good and everything that concerns me has already been made perfect on the Cross.
Share with me where you are on your faith journey below!