My marriage broke me….for Jesus!

My wedding day was such a beautiful day! I saw everything that day through a beautiful lens and there were no shadows or clouds over it. My husband and I had a small civil ceremony with just our family and closest friends. I had met my husband at the leading of the Holy Spirit and I thought all would go perfectly for the rest of our days just because God brought me to my marriage. I was so wrong.

Barely a month into my marriage, the battles started. It began with a misunderstanding regarding a loan I had taken before the wedding and spiraled out of control. The issues started overlapping at that point until it reached a climax about a year and a half into our marriage. I felt like I was in a whirlpool that I could not crawl out of regardless of what I did. We quarreled about everything and anything, name it, we argued about it. The tension in my home was so thick most of the time, you could cut it with a knife. Truly, the devil always fights us even when you are in the middle of God’s will for you. He is a defeated foe who never stops trying to get us to miss our way.

For those difficult years, I thought my husband was the enemy and I fought him that way while expecting him to change. Well, he never did change because he was just like me, fallible and prone to mistakes. What made us cross from pain to joy? From a marriage filled with tears to laughter? It did not happen by me continuing to fight the way I knew how, I learnt to fight the way God ordained us to.

““Stop your fighting — and know that I am God, exalted among the nations, exalted on the earth.”” Psalms 46:10 (HCSB)

I cried to God and asked for His help. My marriage was crumbling around me and I had no idea how to save it. My journey began with God revealing who He is to me. Let me share this with you:

  • God is good, always – He taught me and showed me His goodness. I started studying about this from the Word and found a lot of bible verses. He then took me through a journey through the seasons of my life in the past that He had revealed His goodness to me. He then sent people to me to remind me of Himself and also to counsel me in the right path. God is always good!

“The LORD is good to everyone. He showers compassion on all his creation.” Psalms 145:9 (NLT)

I understood that God makes all my circumstances work together for good and even all the disappointments I was having in my marriage would all work out for good. I can tell you now that all has worked out for my good!

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.” Romans 8:28

  • God is love – His love for me overwhelmed me during this time. In all our issues and constant fight, while licking my wounds from the arguments, I would feel His love for me like a presence. He would send words of encouragement through friends to me at just the right time. He saw the cry of my heart and answered with His love. I was not getting a lot of love from my husband but God started showing me His love.

These revelations changed the trajectory of my life completely. I just knew then that the atmosphere in my marriage was not God’s original plan and I needed to fight it God’s way. Constant bickering and pain was clearly from our flesh and from demonic voices intent on destroying the work God has planned for our marriage.

What is God’s way? Learning to rest and trust in Him to bring His good plans for me and my marriage to pass. My next question to God was, how do I learn to trust? How can I rest? How can I possibly win with not doing anything at all? (that was how I understood it).

I share more on resting in God here and here

God led me through the following steps after I learnt to understand His nature of love and goodness:

  1. Listening for and following the leading of the Holy Spirit – I started cultivating the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life and listening for His voice. “My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.” John 10:27 (NKJV)                                                
  2. Doing the hard things, loving my husband through all the pain(even when i did not feel like) – I just learnt the language of love according to the Word of God and lived it by the Holy Spirit. I remember showing him love in response to unkindness just because the Holy Spirit reminded me of my pledge to obey and do whatever the Word says. Having to cook dinner for my husband on days when all I wanted to do was to pour the food on his head or having to go kiss him after terrible arguments. I did a lot of this with tears in my eyes but I learnt obedience in those things.

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 1 Corinthians 13:7

  1. Holding on to the promise of God regarding prayer“I tell you, you can pray for anything, and if you believe that you’ve received it, it will be yours.” Mark 11:24 (NLT)

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”Philippians 4:6-7

  1. Taking authority over the devil and taking negative thoughts captive concerning my marriage – The day I realised that the devil’s plan was to keep me and my husband in constant arguments that will prevent us from seeing and acting on God’s purpose for my life, I got mad! Really mad like the character of Priscilla Shirer in The War Room movie. Trust me, I stood on the Word and told the devil where to go!

“Behold, I give you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means hurt you.” Luke 10:19 (NKJV)

“For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ,” II Corinthians 10:4-5

  1. Replaced negative thoughts with the promises of God and positive confessions. “And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” Philippians 4:8

As I practised these things over time, I started changing. I responded to arguments with a smile, a kiss and my husband’s favourite meal. My tears dried up and joy was the language of my soul. What had I done? I invited God’s presence into my family and this brought with it joy and peace.

My story became what the Psalmist said:

“You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.” Psalms 16:11 (NKJV)

I live a life of deep love and joy in my marriage today and it is all because the Holy Spirit led me through the journey I have listed above. He led me to set aside my wishes and desires for His direction and love; the fruits of that obedience is what I am enjoying today! My home is so full of love and joy, it is unreal. An important point to remember is that the steps listed are a continuous thing and you should never rest on your oars. I am certain you would experience victory like I have!

Are you struggling with strife in any area of your life? Are you tired of constant bickering in your marriage without an end in sight? Have you found peace and joy in your marriage? I would love to hear your story! Please share in the comments below or contact me here.

  • Your journey mirrors mine yet I am finding letting go and letting God brings hope, joy and peace. Too many years spent trying to change our men can leave us stressed out and joyless. When we learn to allow God to transform our hearts and our perspective it brings great healing.

  • It sure takes the grace of Lord and the help of the Holy Spirit. For me I know I need to work on my anger and overlook some certain things (I am a perfectionist). Thank you for these steps. God bless you Ma.

    • This article is about how God led me through the wilderness season in my marriage. No where in it did I talk about physical abuse or tolerating it. If led by the Spirit to, I might write about physical abuse in future or get a guest to write about it as I have never experienced it in my relationships. God bless you

  • Hi Yemisi! Thank you for this piece. I have a very honest question. What did your husband contribute? Did you make a decision together? Or he met you along the way?

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